There’s a poignant, sometimes stark, reality to the human experience: bad things can, and often do, happen to good people. We all carry stories, perhaps even our own, that testify to this. It’s a truth that can shake us to our core, leaving us grappling for answers in a world that suddenly feels unjust.
When Unimaginable Loss Strikes
Consider the unimaginable tragedy that befell a couple not far from my home some years ago. Waiting at a traffic light, their car, with their three children in the backseat, was struck by a semi-truck that couldn’t stop. The parents survived; their three children did not. This devastating event, which garnered national and international attention, is the kind of loss that statistics show often tears couples apart. Yet, this couple, in a testament to profound strength, chose each other. They stayed married, and years later, life blessed them with triplets. I never met them, but their story speaks volumes: they didn’t give up.
The Futility of Blame and the “Why Me?” Trap
When adversity strikes, our first instinct is often to search for a reason, a cause. “Did I do something wrong?” “Is this my fault?” While sometimes our choices do lead to negative consequences, there are countless instances where we are simply victims of circumstance – a devastating hurricane, an unexpected illness, a senseless accident. In these moments, self-blame is a fruitless, often damaging, exercise.
The hurricanes that recently ravaged Florida and the Southern states serve as a stark reminder. Lives and homes were destroyed, an immense tragedy. But were the individuals responsible for the hurricane? Of course not. What they are responsible for, what we are all responsible for, is how we navigate the aftermath of such events.
This question – why good people suffer – has been a central preoccupation of philosophers and theologians throughout history. While many explanations exist, the truth is, when we’re in the thick of profound hardship for which we bear no fault, seeking “why” can drive us to despair.
The Power of Choice: Our True Responsibility
Think of a child raised in an abusive environment – physically, emotionally, or sexually. That child is utterly blameless for their suffering. However, as they grow, the responsibility shifts to how they will heal. Will they turn to addictions to numb the searing pain? Or will they embark on the arduous journey of recovery, seeking to mend their fractured heart? This is the critical choice we all face when confronted by the dark nights of our soul.
We’ve all known someone derailed by an injury – a car accident, a skiing mishap. Some, unable to bear the pain, turn to opiates or painkillers, avoiding physical therapy and rehabilitation, choosing to numb rather than heal. This path often spirals into further complications.
Choosing Strength: Stories of Resilience
Yet, I’ve also witnessed incredible resilience. A high school acquaintance, told he’d never walk again after a car wreck, endured excruciating physical therapy and, a year later, walked. A college friend, paralyzed in an accident, channeled her love for basketball into playing from a wheelchair, eventually teaching other adaptive sports.
Not all our trials will be of this magnitude. But even the “smaller” injustices – the relationship that ends after a decade, the dream job that vanishes due to unforeseen illness derailing crucial studies – can feel monumental. We may not be responsible for the event itself, but the path forward is our choice. Do we drown our sorrows, or do we focus on healing and moving forward constructively?
The hardest tragedies are often those that strike from nowhere, without warning or discernible cause. The challenge isn’t to decipher their senselessness. Unless we directly contributed to the situation – like drinking and driving – our responsibility isn’t to unravel the “why.” If we’re blindsided at a stoplight, we’re not at fault. Life throws curveballs.
Embracing Resilience: The Path Forward
What we can control, what is entirely our responsibility, is our response. The keyword here is resilience.
Pause for a moment and reflect on an aspect of your life you wish were different, perhaps something unfair you’re dealing with. Now, ask yourself the most crucial question: “What can I do to make this situation better?” This is a far more empowering question than “Why is this happening to me?”
Our minds possess incredible energy, like a battery. We can direct this energy toward constructive thoughts and actions that, over time, improve our lives. Or, we can expend it on negative rumination – “This is unfair,” “Why me?” – which drains us without yielding positive change. Wisdom surely lies in channeling our precious mental energy towards resolution and amelioration.
The Two Paths: Despair or Growth
We’ve all seen both paths play out. Some, faced with tragedy, descend into darker choices that exacerbate their suffering. Relationships end, and instead of healing, individuals get stuck, perhaps turning to self-destructive behaviors. Conversely, we also know countless individuals who have faced unimaginable tragedies and emerged not just intact, but stronger, their lives imbued with a deeper richness. When I meet such people, who shine brightly despite their adversities, and ask how they arrived there, the answer is invariably the same: “It was through suffering. It was through struggles.” They grew and evolved through their challenges.
This is the choice before us. Sooner or later, we will all face circumstances that feel profoundly unfair, even cruel. Our task is to respond with resilience. Robert Schuler, the televangelist, often told of his father whose Iowa farm was destroyed by a tornado. The very next day, his father was out there, rebuilding. He didn’t give up. He moved forward and made their lives even better.
Cultivating a Resilient Spirit
When hard times hit, while it’s good to learn from experiences where we did play a part, we must be cautious about endlessly searching for reasons when life is simply, inexplicably, unfair. Our focus should not be on the “why” of the tragedy, but on “how do I get through this well?”
This means:
1. Acceptance (of the event, not necessarily the fairness): Acknowledge what has happened without getting stuck in why it shouldn’t have.
2. Focus on Agency: Shift your energy to what you can control – your actions, your attitude, your next steps.
3. Seek Support: Lean on loved ones, professionals, or communities that can offer strength and perspective.
4. Action-Oriented Goals: Set small, achievable goals that move you towards a better state, focusing on solutions rather than dwelling on the problem.
5. Embrace Growth: View challenges as opportunities to learn, develop new strengths, and deepen your understanding of yourself and the world.
It’s okay to grieve, to feel the unfairness. But we must be vigilant that grief doesn’t curdle into prolonged depression or lead to destructive coping mechanisms. The more vital response is to say, “I will get up. I will grow from this. I will make my life better, to my last breath.”
The Promise of a Life Well-Lived
When we adopt this mindset, we discover an incredible capacity to bounce back, sometimes even stronger than before. By never giving up, by channeling our energy into improving our lives, we not only enhance our own well-being but also positively impact those around us.
If you are navigating difficult times, please, don’t give up. Focus on solutions. Focus on the small steps that lead to larger improvements. As long as we remain resilient, there is always hope. Those small changes, those incremental improvements, accumulate into a beautiful, well-lived life. And when our time comes, we can look back and say, “That was a good life, forged in resilience.”
